34-year-old wants 26-year-old husband to go to sleep at the same time every night despite him being the sole breadwinner: 'He cursed me out and dragged the dog (almost literally) down the grass'

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Aug 28, 2025 10:00 AM EDT

Everyone has different sleep habits, and somehow, the two people with the most opposite ones always find their way into relationships with one another. I guess it's a manifestation of the rule "opposites attract." You are a night owl who only needs a couple of hours to feel rested. Your partner falls asleep anytime you put on a movie. You love each other and you want to live together. This is somehow the law of the universe. But what matters is that you can communicate about it. Maybe you don't have perfect sleep compatibility, but you love and trust each other enough to work through it. Maybe one of you compromises every now and again, but you mainly let each other do what they need in order to be happy. 

This is not always as easy as it sounds, though. Sleep can be a very vulnerable thing, and it can really become a bee in your bonnet when living with a partner. Even more, it can bring out other sources of tension in your relationship. Everything bubbles to the top. 

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  • Two men make a meal together in their kitchen.
    via Unsplash+ (Getty Images)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • That's what happened to this couple who couldn't agree on a bedtime routine. But there was clearly more to the story, since both of them ended up snapping. Read on to decide who you think was in the right and who you think was in the wrong, and read what others had to say. 

  • AITA for not aligning to my spouse's bedtime schedule?

    TLDR: My husband and I were having a fight about sleep. schedules and I made a albeit in my opinion justified, comment about him "not having anything to wake up at a specific time for", out of 90% in the moment frustration, 10% animosity that I've been the sole breadwinner for the past 5 years.
    via u/Optimal_Fall4966
  • I (26M) have always been a bit of a night owl. Generally speaking, 7 hours of sleep and I feel almost perfect. Anything above 8.5, and I'm more tired the next day. My husband (34M) likes to keep a very strict sleep schedule - like 10:00PM-7:30AM. I tend to fluctuate between 10:30PM and 12:00AM, depending on my meeting schedule the next morning, and enjoy some alone gaming time at night.
    via u/Optimal_Fall4966
  • He much prefers to go to bed together, and I do too, but understand if he wants to go to bed earlier. We were taking the dogs for a walk tonight and I mentioned that when we got back, he could shower and I'd play a game or two then come in and he made the comment "I don't know what else to do, this is for my health and my Whoop (health-
    via u/Optimal_Fall4966
  • tracking app) says I'm at over half a day sleep debt". I asked him to show me, and he was reading it wrong - 0 sleep debt, average of 0:18hr (aka, 18 minutes) per night over the last week. I thought that would be good news, but he said he still wants his consistency better for his mental health. My response was something along the
    via u/Optimal_Fall4966
  • lines of "I'm the one that has something to wake up at a specific time for." I've been the sole breadwinner for the past 5 or so years, make a very handsome salary, and do have some latent frustration that we could have had a situation this whole time before children come into the picture, but that's nearly out the
    via u/Optimal_Fall4966
  • window. Granted, I've been working through a mild Adderall problem and that does contribute to my bedtimes (trying to be frank with my flaws here too). He quit, which I fully supported, his job back in 2020 or so because it was "too stressful", and wanted to go back to school for a new
    via u/Optimal_Fall4966
  • degree. He took one online class at a time and graduated in early 2024, then a few months later decided he wanted to do his Master's and has been taking one online class since. He occasionally substitutes, but like $1,000/mo if that.
    via u/Optimal_Fall4966
  • I don't terribly mind being the only working spouse, but it does frustrate me when he about me not going to bed at his time when I'm the one that has to wake up and work for 8-12 hours, depending on the day. So I made that comment, which after a few seconds I apologized for saying it was frustration in the moment, but
    via u/Optimal_Fall4966
  • he cursed me out and dragged the dog (almost literally) down the grass. I feel like he strongly overreacted and could build a teeny bit of his "schedule" around me, but that's obviously not shared. So, AITA?
    via u/Optimal_Fall4966

  • Commenters agreed that this wasn't his fault.

    Left_Set_5610 - 9h ago NTA for wanting different sleep schedules to suit different needs. NTA for snapping and then apologizing. NTA at all. But him? Big time AH. Maybe some insecurity? Like dragging the Cursing you out? dog? Do you really wanna have kids with this dude?
    via u/Left_Set_5610
  • A man rests his head on his husband's lap on the couch.
    via Unsplash+ (Getty Images)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • LadyWiezel • 8h ago Honestly watching my partner take out his frustration at me by being agressive to an innocent animal would make me reconsider other stuff than if I should go to bed with him or not.
    via u/LadyWiezel
  • Pkfrompa 9h ago • NTA Taking one class at a time is ridiculous. If there's really something wrong with him then he should've been getting therapy. Depres on and anxiety are both treatable and if he cared about pulling his weight he'd get help and not use "mental health" issues as an excuse. Hopefully he does the vast majority of the housework because it sounds like he's being self-indulgent.
    via u/Pkfrompa
  • Som... 8h ago Edited 8h ago • All right, the problem with the situation you describe here for judgement is the same problem that you are having with communication as a couple. You want to know if you are an AH for not aligning for sleep schedules, but it is a drop on the ocean of a larger set of problems.
    via u/Something-bothersome
  • What do I mean? I will give you an example: If I say "Yes OP! I believe you should go to bed with your husband at 10pm each night! It would be good for your relationship!"
    via u/Something-bothersome
  • If I do that, all it will do is cascade you to the next piece of the puzzle. You will probably point out that you work hard, that those extra hours at night help you to decompress, that you prefer the flexibility and that's valuable to you. That losing. those things wont benefit
    via u/Something-bothersome
  • your relationship because it will prob build resentment. Then you will probably contrast that to your partner and how he doesn't need those things because he doesn't have your work responsibilities and possibly even suggest he is selfish to have these expectations of you! See the cascade?
    via u/Something-bothersome
  • In other words, your relationship issues are a bit bigger than this issue and it's rippling out in your communication, complicating everything and probably damaging your relationship. NTA but I suggest you both get back to working on your relationship.
    via u/Something-bothersome
  • ComfortablePie7658 8h ago • YTA. He takes his anger out on the dog, and that doesn't raise any red flags? Please find him a loving home asap and for the love of god, reconsider having children with him.
    via u/ComfortablePie7658
  • Equivalent_Reason... • 7h ago I'm kind of stuck on his being so obsessed with sleeping. the exact same amount every night. I just don't think humans are made that way; we are not machines. Some days you need more sleep than others.
    via u/Equivalent_Reason894
  • FairyCompetent • 6h ago So he mooches off you and cusses at you and tries to control your bedtime? And he's almost ten years older than you? Sir, I think you can do a lot better than you are right now. This man needs to get his mind right; you are not his child, his servant, or his verbal punching bag. Is this really the relationship you want and deserve?
    via u/FairyCompetent
  • No-Strawberry-5804 3h ago -age gap -he made you the sole breadwinner -wants to dictate your personal habits -cruel to animals He's really hitting all the high notes here. NTA.
    via u/No-Strawberry-5804
  • dnllgr 6h ago NTA. Would I love it if my husband came to bed when I do? Sure. But his sleep needs are way different than mine and I respect that he's not ready to come to bed at 11 and 1 is better for him. We both get up at 7 for work
    via u/dnllgr
  • This is a bigger relationship issue than just sleep. I think you should get into marriage counseling before you have kids. He's taking his anger out on your dog, I can only imagine what he would do to a child. It's going to be a "I need sleep so I can't help at night" and needing full time
    via u/dnllgr
  • childcare even though he doesn't work because he needs his time from what I'm seeing. Coming from personal experience, with kids you need someone who's willing to give up sleep to divide and conquer middle of the night accidents and sickness (I literally just woke my husband up to help clean out our sick baby's nose)
    via u/dnllgr
  • whatpelican00 · 5h ago Honey I don't like the age diff and the $$ gap. It feels like manipulation tactics to me. What do YOU get out of this relationship? NTA.
    via u/whatpelican00
  • Dry EyesRThePits • 4h ago . One online class at a time? He doesn't want to work. That's more of an issue than the bedtime thing. But for what it's worth, everyone needs different amounts of sleep and apps don't deal with that. NTA.
    via u/DryEyesRThePits
  • Kukka63 5h ago Why are you with a manipulative, freeloading ? Please give your head a wobble and realise you deserve so much better than this, the poor dog deserves better than this too.
    via u/Kukka63
  • keishajay • 4h ago OP, does your husband take care of the home and pets for the most part whilst you are working? What is he doing. with his day??
    via u/keishajay
  • You say you don't mind 'terribly' being the only working spouse but you also seem to resent that you aren't a couple. You never have been. And if you bring children into this relationship with someone who drags a dog when they are angry you are an AH for that because he
    via u/keishajay
  • won't treat babies any better and you will be paying for therapy for them down the line as well as paying your partner alimony (if you're in the US). And I wonder if you snapped at him because you have resentment about other things. You did recognise it and apologise though. It's valid for another person to
    via u/keishajay
  • feel angry about the way they were just spoken to and an apology doesn't mean that angry feeling immediately goes away. HOWEVER, you DON'T take it out on an animal with your behaviour. That is not okay, ever.
    via u/keishajay
  • Side note: I am a Whoop user and sleep consistency contributes to a green recovery. It's the thing that really helped me get better sleep (lost mine, waiting for a replacement and my sleep has declined). But it suggests that 'consistency' isn't that it HAS to be the same hour every night and morning, but within an hour of the same time so there is some wiggle room there if someone really wants it.
    via u/keishajay
  • NTA but barely. I think you may need to communicate or take some time to really consider if your husband is actually a partner to you or if you are his caretaker cause Sorry, but this seems like most age gap relationships when the older partner is less mature than their younger partner.
    via u/keishajay

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